I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
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You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I love you…
…r dog.
*after several minutes of searching, the genealogist looks up at me*
it seems that you come from a long line of people who have gotten tragically lost in corn mazes
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
this is what they would have looked like, though
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’