I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
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Probably my best painting.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*