i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
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[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
Monday again. I just knew this would happen
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: [struggling on floor] Yoga
WIFE: At the bottom of the stairs?
ME:
WIFE: You fell down the stairs
ME: Yes
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
Every time my phone rings
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.