no one likes gloating
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the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
RT if you know someone like this!!!
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
At least my masseuse has my back.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?