A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
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If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
OH. COME. ON.
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
You might remember me from such productions as Skirt Tucked Into Pantyhose, or, Oh! You Weren’t Waving at Me.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
[Being dragged out of my movie club] Oh and by the way ‘The Hills’ only has one i.
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.