My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
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Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.