Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute š the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
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Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. š©
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: Thatās bread
Jesus: Itās a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so youāve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes Iām being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: Itās easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like āyup, thatās Deanā
A completely valid reaction tbh
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your CaffĆØ Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
If I ever suddenly drop dead during a covert McDonaldās lunch visit, my wife gonna be so pissed when she finds that untouched cucumber and hummus sandwich in my backpack.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and Iāll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that youāll never use
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didnāt even teach us thatā¦ so now what
Hate when youāre walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the ādriftā & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living roomā¦ but that feels weird
When she told me, āYouāre best to try and get out in front of it,ā I didnāt realize she was referring to a large truckā¦
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Natural selection at its finest
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
āIām hungoverā
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couchāThe gods have punished me for my indulgencesā
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
her: wow your armpit is really big
me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But donāt worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: āFriends! Let me tell you all about Godās son, Esusā
Voice from the crowd: āEsus? But I thought-ā
St Paul: āThe letter āJā doesnāt fall into common usage until the 16th centuryā
St Ohn: āItās trueā
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me itās probably cupcakes.