They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
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Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
lost dog
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
The biggest mystery of our time
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
do you actually wanna go to grad school or are you just depressed and were trained to find (fleeting) fulfillment in academic success
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.