Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
You Might Also Like
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
[Ninja Dojo]
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
“It’s better to give than to receive.”
I think while giving myself the cash from my husband’s wallet
Rather alarming headline…
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*