“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
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“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
The lady in the spice commercial was haphazardly pouring her vanilla extract. Do you know how much vanilla extract costs, lady?
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
dutch so unserious
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this