She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
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Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
mechanic: i’m gonna have to replace your brakes
me: with what
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Agent school must be stressful when you have to decide whether to go the “insurance” or “secret” route.
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.