When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
You Might Also Like
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
sugar glider wrangler
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
What the hell happened in there??
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread