If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
You Might Also Like
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Ma’am…we’re going to have to ask you to get off of the table.
Ma’am…
(me, trying to cuddle with my bacon cheese fries)
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
*offers Batman cough drops*
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?