Meth is short for Elizameth.
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Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
God: you’re a cuttlefish.
Cuttlefish: yay I love hugs.
God: that’s not what I meant.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: you have 8 arms and 2 tentacles.
Cuttlefish: for hugs?
God: [sigh] no not for hugs.
Cuttlefish: oh.
God: also you’re venomous.
Cuttlefish: [happy gasp] danger hugs!
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
I have 7 TV controllers on my coffee table. All are decoys.
The real controller stays on my person at all times.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Dipping your cats in blue paint and watching them chase each other is 1000x more entertaining than Avatar.
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…