You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
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I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
I have no passwords left in me
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
They got Raph!
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?