ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
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This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar