Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.