[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
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Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Taliband
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
When a cop pulls me over I lick my lips and say, “Can I show you something sexy to get out of this ticket?,” then I open my center console full of snacks.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
‘Stealing someone’s coffee is called mugging.’
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*