I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
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[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.