This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
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Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Concierge: I’m afraid we’re all booked up this evening
Me: Maybe this will change your mind *slides bill across desk*
Concierge: Sir…
Me: If you want the rest of your duck you’ll find us a table
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
ME: [waking up from nap]
HER: *looking angry* when i said i wanted to sleep with you this isn’t what i meant
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.