I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
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strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day