Cool shirt 🙂
You Might Also Like
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Our scariest president was probably Rushmore, because he had four heads
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.