*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
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My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
Home improvement
but it’s just me replacing the metal tubes in the neighbor’s wind chimes with tampons.
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)