I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
Good morning
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
billionaire: we’re all in this together
everyone: you lost money too?
billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
ME: Whoa, these people are hardcore Goths
CORONER: How many times do I have to tell you that they’re corpses, you’re looking at corpses
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.