This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
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“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD