Grandmother clock.
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GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
whatcha thinkin bout
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
What an awful time to have common sense.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.