[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
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How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I love wikipedia
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.