I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
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Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
uh yeah, I accept. No brainer
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Personal Trainer: Show me the hardest thing that you do each day.
Me: *Goes out front door of gym, comes back in*
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.