me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
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“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
It’s like my cat doesn’t even appreciate it when I take the time to rake his litter box like a Zen Garden.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
‘I like the smell of your meat’ may not have been the best greeting to the hot waiter at the BBQ joint I picked for lunch.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Autocorrect completely socks
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.