Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
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[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Okay
okay run it by me one more time
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
Florida man
Everything reminds me of my ex
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.