The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
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Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I just got arrested for felonious mopery
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!