I want to make some strangers on the internet unreasonably mad today, but first I need to put my cast iron skillet in the dishwasher
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My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
look at me when i’m typing to you
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
A family that plays together cheats.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me