satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
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“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed