I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
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If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.
How about I get 100% off by already being there
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Doctor: Between 1 and 10, describe how much pain are you in?
Me: Is married a number?
That’s how I get the good meds…
serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert
me: sure!
serial killer: r-really
me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy
serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-
me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!
Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
3 weeks ago: I can’t get plastic bags for my groceries?!?!! 😠
Today: I can’t get groceries. 😑
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Sharks: [losing teeth]
Tooth fairy: please stop