“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
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The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”
So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?