Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
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Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
NEWS: 1.3 million people die in car accidents a year
ME: [driving with my knees so I can put two hands on my burger] that’s hard to believe
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
This January has 47 Mondays