May have had one breakfast too many
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Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Hell hath no fury like a woman who ALREADY TOLD YOU WHERE THE SCISSORS ARE
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”