I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
This is Sparta
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Passwords are more important than ever.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
What’s so funny?
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Accurate
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.