If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
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[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to five, I can hit the nine-minute snooze three more times and only be five minutes late.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
never compromise your values