Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
pat pat
6yo: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you.
6yo: You’re the best mommy in the whole world!
Me: We may need to work on raising your standards if that’s your definition of “best.”
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
Lawns are weird. Let’s grow 7000 of the same thing and nothing else.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
*frowns in Scottish*
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
opening twitter today
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’