There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
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The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
I have a great dad who consistently loved me, taught me and supported me.
That jerk robbed me of a lot of angry tweet material.
(more comics:
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Lol.
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth