[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
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People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
A new poll shows that half of people would keep their current car forever if they could. “And now you CAN!” said the cost of living.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
Alexa, mess up everyone’s cell phone service.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
Air conditioning – not a fan
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
the last thing a carrot sees
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.