[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
You Might Also Like
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Me: [trying to act normal]
Nearby Person: hey man are you ok
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
me: hit that tree with your fist
hitman: that’s not what i do
me: hundred bucks
hitman: no
me: will you punch a house
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
So glad we cleared that up
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
The first one, obviously
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.