Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
For the ones in the back.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]