At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
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Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
lost dog
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Yep.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
Me, reading some of your tweets
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will