*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*
Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”
5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”
Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”
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Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Milk Cube
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
beware of dog
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough