*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
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Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?