*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
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I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
drew a comic about my origin story
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*
Great!
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”