“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
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SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.