I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
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Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
omg leave her alone